Thinking and thinking and thinking (some more) about the future

So over the past few weeks, I’m not ashamed to say, I’ve had a few wobbles. I have, I know that I will continue to have them and I’ve been reassured by other pws parents that it’s particularly hard and I will always have them, I just need to turn them into something positive.

All parents worry, it’s completely natural to worry about your child’s future. How you can and will support them to be the best they can possibly be is a thought that’s on every good parents mind

The problem that I currently have is I’m a compulsive planner. Those that know me well, know that even down to nights out I’ll constantly want to sort plans out for it. Where, what time, what are you wearing? I like reassurance that I know what I’m doing and can plan around that. Last minute plans are pretty much a no go for me or if I do try and run with the plans I feel uncomfortable and stressed the entire time.

I feel like the ability to plan has been completely stripped away from me

I understand I should be taking each day as it comes. This is what everyone tells me, it’s actually what I tell myself. The compulsive planning part of me doesn’t actually understand this.

I’m already starting to realise how my relationship with food is going to change. Well it already has, the amount of chocolate and biscuits I’ve eaten since Mike went back to work is unreal. 

This is going to have to stop

The way I cook is going to have to be flipped on it’s head. I love food, anyone who knows me knows how much I love to eat. I also like to cook with butter (makes everything taste better) I’ve got to now form entirely new habits which, when you’re a creature of habit already, isn’t very easy. 

For the past week I’ve been trying to make more balanced teas….that being the balance is Mikes is really healthy and mine is not so healthy!

I don’t want anyone to think that I’m not more than willing to do this, I love Oliver more than I love bread or biscuits or even chocolate. (I love chocolate so much – so he’s a lucky boy) I don’t really drink, the last time I was drunk was over a year ago and before that it was probably a good four or five months earlier. I don’t have a casual drink, I don’t actually enjoy the taste of alcohol, I’d rather sit on the couch and eat than have a glass of wine/gin and lemo/vodka and lemo. 

I’m not going to be able to do that any more 

We’re going to have to start eating at set times, in set places. I’ve been looking at the layout of the house. Those that have been to the house know that there’s no door on the kitchen….this needs to change sooner rather than later. We have a living room- diner. I think that may need to change too. 

Talking to other parents and watching what they’re doing there’s the constant theme of a locked kitchen door/ locked cupboards/locked fridge.

I know that all of this is a little further down the line. He still can’t even take a full bottle but if my maternity time off already has taught me anything it’s that time goes by SO quickly. Before I know it he’ll be starting on purée and then lumpy foods and then want to have little snacks and taste what I’m eating. So my diets going to have to be similar to his so that if he wants to share my food I never have to deny him it. I’m already going to have to deny him so much that I can’t deny him what I’m going to eat in his company. 

The unknown is the hardest thing for me. So many people ask questions about how things are going to pan out and I can never give them a straight answer because I quite simply do not know. All parents live with the unknown as no child’s future is set in stone but for those of you with children that have no unusual qwerks, no one ever asks you how things are going to go. Now don’t get me wrong here I’m glad people are asking me because they want to get to know him, they’re curious. So if you’re reading this and know you have asked me, this is NOT a dig at you. I want people to ask away and want to talk to them about the unknown but just to understand that some days it’s easier to talk about and other days it’s not.

I’m also thinking about how it’s going to change relationships with people. Food is a huge way that both Mikes family and my family socialise. We eat together, we all love to eat. We’re hopeful that we can establish patterns with them before he gets to an age where food starts to become an issue. Free for all food will have to stop as it encourages temptation.
I’m very aware of how much this post is talking about food now -it would appear that my biggest worry for the future is probably food. The struggles that Oliver will have with his mobility and building him up don’t seem to trouble me at all, possibly because once they’re sorted they are done. Foods going to be a constant battle for us and as an emotional eater I fear having to hide somewhere to eat the naughties that I enjoy. I’ve never been good at diets, mostly because my weight stays consistent so it’s never been a worry, three months after his birth I’m lighter than before I found out I was pregnant. I also have the ability to eat a piece of chocolate and be satisfied, I don’t have to eat a whole bar. So I worry about my struggle with this huge change, I’ve never had to be really ‘good’ with eating. I don’t understand calorie counting. 

I’ve had probably too much time to myself the past few weeks and things have played on my mind. I’m still grieving the baby that I thought I would have but didn’t even realise that I’ve been doing it until talking to people. Before we found out about Olivers condition I planned on keeping all of his little baby grows and first blankets and making a memory blanket that could be passed on to his first child. Oliver has an incredibly small chance (and I’m talking tiny here) of having a baby. He’s condition means that he probably won’t get to sexual maturity or if he does it will be late on and they’re often infertile. There have been rare cases where they do but we’re almost certain it won’t happen.

I’m still going to make the blanket. There’s no reason that I shouldn’t but it breaks my heart a little that he probably won’t experience this. I expect that it will become his comforter instead. 

As difficult as turning sad thoughts into positive ones is, I’m glad that I’m able to do it. Otherwise I’d go insane. 

I’ve had my first experience of seeing a friends baby do things quicker than Oliver and I know it won’t be the last. I expect I’ll probably cry every time this happens. Not because I’m sad that Oliver isn’t doing it yet or is behind. It’s just a bitter sweet feeling. I’m so happy that they’re moving along so well but I’m feeling a little left behind but I know I’m not left behind nor is Oliver! He’s just taking his time and it gives me that little bit more of a push to ask about physio, to push to get the other help that we need. It’s an incredibly complex feeling that is very difficult to explain. I imagine other pws families can completely relate to this

I think to sumerise this post I worry that my inability to control the way things are going but I know that’s life. So for now it’s just deep breaths and time to carry doing the best that I can to help make Oliver the best that he can be.

…I can’t worry and stress to much when I have this to look at every day ….


…and when he continues to keep making so much progress

2 thoughts on “Thinking and thinking and thinking (some more) about the future

  1. Becky, I am in exactly the same place as you and have exactly the same personality. I have always been the organiser and I am always planning for the future. The unknown is definitely the hardest part for people like you and I.I also am scared about the food side of things and I’m sad that the days where we would just pop into a restaurant for tea on the way home from somewhere might not happen any more, xmas dinners will never be the same, chocolate and crisps watching tv and the list goes on and on……………………. I think you are handling it all very well in terms of your friends and family. I find myself consumed with anger as we thought we’d had our bad luck having lost a baby boy already at 23 weeks. I feel very bitter towards all my friends who have just sailed through each of their pregnancies with no issues whatsoever. I hope these feelings dissipate soon as they are quite honestly exhausting. Keep up the blog as really enjoying reading it. Louise V xxx

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    1. It’s really hard at times and I’m generally having good days but I’ve spent so much time on my own the past week or so and I need to start having company other than my own. Not to keep my mind off him but to just stop my brain constantly thinking about it. We will all make the changes we need I don’t doubt and in years to come will look back and wonder why we were so worried about it all xxx

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